[This article first appeared in the Post-Mortem in August, 1954. We reprint it for its timeliness and your amusement-Ed.]

HOW NEVER TO LOSE TO YOUR TEAMMATES

In no phase of bridge is the difference between amateur and expert more glaring than in the comparison which follows a session of board-a-match teams. No one can win every team event he plays in, but it is possible to convince your teammates that it is their fault each time you lose. The session over, the whole team gathers about the table, private scores poised. Do not relax for an instant-you have sighted the enemy; battle is joined.

Operation Blame-Them has three phases: (1) opening remarks, (2) actual comparison, and (3) summation. Choose your opening salvo with care. Avoid bluster like "we had a terrific game, didn't touch a wrong card." By far the best technique is modest self-deprecating, thus, "We were very lucky. The opponents played badly against us. Had two horrible boards, but if you had a really good game we'll win going away." Give them a friendly smile.

The first rule of comparison is to have your teammates call their scores to you. You then announce "Win," "Half," or "Loss" with appropriate side comments. This is half the battle, but you still need your wits about you. Advance analysis of hands is vital for the infighting. For example, they call "We bid three spades, plus 140." You respond, "Loss. We didn't think you'd get to that three no-trump contract. It's very lucky." They need never know that the opponents made four spades against you when you dropped your partner's king of trump with your ace.

This brings up an important point. Do not, at this stage, blame them for losing boards. Tell them they were unlucky, fixed, star-crossed. Be sympathetic with their misfortune. Just get them to realize that they lost the board.

The Summation
The time for blame is when, comparison over, you add up and find you have 12 out of 28. Now you rise in wrath for your summation. You trot out all their sins-major, minor and imaginative-in an impressive list, with a rising inflection. Hold the floor, brook no interruption.

The soundest course here is to blame only one of your teammates for the whole fiasco. With any luck, this will result in a furious argument between the two, and your point will have been made-publicly.

Once in a while you run into tough cookies who stick together and start sniffing at your results. If they have had a steady game tell them, "In team-of-four you can't just sit there and play for halves. You have to step out and win boards." If they have won most of the boards for the team say "In team-of-four it's not important to win boards. The opponents throw enough to you. You've got to avoid losses."

As a last resort, stand up suddenly, upsetting your chair, and say, "You must have thought you were playing match-point, not team-of-four," and rip your private score into small pieces. This is a dramatic and effective gesture. Just remember to put the pieces in your pocket.

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